I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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