Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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