You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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