I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
