Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
