You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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