Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
