New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
