Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
