When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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