ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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