What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
