Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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