im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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