please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
