kristin has been a bad kristin
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
