I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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