Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Come on in and take your pants off
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