i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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