Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
