I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
