My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
