You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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