Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
