when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
