you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
