i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
