Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
