I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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