The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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