ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
