ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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