Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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