Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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