Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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