Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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