Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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