You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
