Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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