Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Text me some of your sweat
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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