Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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