Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
