getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
