You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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