Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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