were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
