there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
