you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize