she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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