so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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