"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
