John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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