he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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