The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
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