so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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